Lyme Slime Hanging Onto Me:
I saw my doctor yesterday. The Lyme was still “gone,” but he did find a lyme co-infection in my brain and quite a few other things that are causing me to still feel crappy. I keep wondering, when I will feel better?! I struggle to keep faith in the process when I don’t see enough results. I think, “Maybe I should just learn to live with this. Accept it as something I will have to deal with forever.” I CAN’T! This health struggle that I have been living in for far too long will not define me. This is not who I am.
I find myself depressed because I see so much around me that “needs” to be done. It feels overwhelming to even think about the things I “want” to get done. I never really get there. If I do chose to make time for what I want to do, the rest of life seems to fall apart, and I come back to my list of to-do’s and feel even more weight crushing me, but if I don’t make time for “me,” I feel like I am dying inside anyways. This is a never-ending battle.
God, You Got This, Right?
It’s a good thing my God has unending love and strength for my battle, because I sure don’t. I feel like crying everyday. I feel defeated and lonely. I am holding onto a very thin thread that keeps me from falling into a sea of hopelessness. A lot of times, I feel like staying in bed. Other days, I feel like getting up, but within the hour I am wishing I could go back to bed. I hurt – everywhere. This sucks!
I look around and see people who live in pain with a genuine smile on their face. How do they do it? I try to show joy when I go out in public. I like to be happy, but then I come home and fall back into my pajama-wearing mess of a life, and I wonder, what’s God’s purpose in all of this?
Is this some kind of punishment? Is it teaching me something? Am I learning what I need to learn from it so I can hopefully move out of this? Am I this way to become more aware of other people’s needs? I am starting to see them everywhere. I guess it is working. I have more faith when I pray for those people that they will be healed than when I pray for myself to be. I don’t really know how to pray for that anymore. “God help me” is all I can really say.
My Soul”s Yearning is the Worst Pain of All:
Lately, I’ve been asking God to change my thoughts. If I can’t be healed and cannot accomplish all of these things that I have in my soul to accomplish, then I wish He would just help me to be content in that and accept it. I have always had a drive in me, a fight. There is so much I know I can do that I get mentally pumped up for, and then bleh… nothing. There’s just no gas in the tank to push me through.
I don’t really know where to go from here. God, I know you hear me. I guess the only real choice I have is to submit to Your will, but I wish this all would hurt a bit less – the physical and emotional.
Sorry for the downer today, everyone, but maybe someone out there dealing with the same kind of thing will find encouragement in knowing that they are not alone.
Here’s some more from my Lyme Journey:
Stephaney - Me Flying Free
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